The other day I was listening to Wilson Phillips “Hold On” (not sure where or why?!) and the lyrics “You could sustain (You could sustain). Hm, or are you comfortable with the pain? You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness (No, baby). You got yourself into your own mess (Ooh)” caught my attention. **Fun fact, I get a lot of intuitive hits through music. Do you wanna too? I can teach you how!**
Of course, it was the message that I needed to hear. I was in a funk and blaming everything around me instead of shaking it off and making myself feel happy again. It’s no one else’s job but mine to make me happy. I’m gonna say it once more, a little louder. IT’S NO ONE ELSE’S JOB BUT MINE TO MAKE ME HAPPY!!!!
No one had invited me to go hang out at the beach with them. Hey Jana, pick up the phone and ask someone to hang out at the beach with you! I was so sick of meal planning, prep and cleanup. Guess what? There are dozens of amazing restaurants, meal prep kits or even ready to eat meal delivery companies that can take care of all of that for me. I don’t even have to get out of bed to make it appear at my door.
Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it feels good to whine and bitch and vent, but it gets old for you (and everyone around you) when you keep sitting in that same place day after day. So, get it out, then go do something about it.
What if you called that friend and ordered that meal delivery and you still feel meh? Let’s put on our cap and grab our spyglass and do a bit of exploring.
Why did it upset you that no one had invited you to hang out? Are you feeling a lack of connection? Like you are the one who always puts the effort into your relationships and it’s not reciprocated? Like you haven’t been making enough time for friends and socializing?
Why are you still getting annoyed at meal time? Is it because your partner doesn’t help with cleanup or other chores around the home? Do you feel like you try to get nutritious food into everyone, but no one notices or cares? Like you are unappreciated?
So often the surface irritant goes deeper. You can fix the surface thing, but the issue won’t go away, you’re just transferring that energy to something else that’s making you unhappy, but never getting to the root.
I’ll share one of my go-to complaints. It’s come up so often now that when I do say it, my partner knows that a gentle reminder of “it’s not this it’s that”** will steer me back in the right direction. (**this reminder has been pre-approved by me when I was not feeling this way. If I was to be told that in the moment without having agreed to it, you best believe there would be flames!!)
One of my biggest core values is FREEDOM. In every area of my life, I need (my version of) freedom, otherwise I’m like a caged beast. Every year, when it’s back to school time and my stepchildren are getting back to their very busy extra-curricular schedules, I feel trapped. I feel like I have to put my wants at the end of the list and everyone else’s schedules have to come first. Like I have to show up to every practice, every game, and adopt their schedules. And then I start saying that I’m unhappy, that I don’t like that every weekend is sports all-day-every-day.
But, that’s not true. No one expects me to be at all the events. The little peeps know that I will come to a big game or an important activity if they ask, but that I’m not going to be at every one. We’ve talked about it many times. And we’re all ok with that. I’m the one who gets caught up in the loop of “shoulds”. When I step back and take a look at it from a different perspective, I see that I now have all of this time that I can be meeting up with friends for brunch, or staying in bed napping and reading until late afternoon, or doing whatever the hell I want to do!
So my original complaint of “I feel trapped” has turned into “I have a lot of “me time” to do what makes me feel good.” What it took to get there was a reminder of “no one expects you to show up for every event” and dropping those damn shoulds!! A bit of digging and a reframe and I can tell you, that problem is not such a problem anymore.
If you can relate to this and want to dig into these feelings in a safe space, book a Soul Session. I love helping people solve their problems.
Of course, there are times in life when we can’t just choose to feel better and we need the help of therapists, doctors, and/or medication. This is not meant to say that you can just choose happy when we are in depression or other mental health struggles, because if that’s the case, we often can’t. Reach out for support. You’re worth it.
