The Big B Word

Boundaries. 

I’m sure you’ve heard people talk about boundaries. Maybe you’ve read some books or want to learn more about what boundaries really are. Perhaps you’re a boundary pro in some relationships, but really struggle in other relationships.

Me too! 

I’m going to share with you what I know, and what I share with my clients. 

Boundaries are not static. Boundaries are dynamic. They are allowed to change at any time. But, our friends, family and partners are not mind readers, so as our boundaries change, it is our responsibility to communicate them. 

What is a boundary? 

In the simplest terms, it’s what we will and will not allow. The way people talk to us, treat us and interact with us. It’s our set of rules. 

Does this mean that what we say goes? 

Nope. Not at all. Sometimes we will tell a person in our life “it makes me feel disrespected when you show up late. I need you to work on being prompt more often” and they might say they will work on it, or they may say that’s just who they are, deal with it.  

Then it’s up to us how we want to move forward. 

One of the most important things when it comes to boundaries is how we uphold them. 

Let’s say that we have told a colleague that we will not be available for responding to late night Slack messages or emails because you’ve noticed that it really impacts the way you interact with your family in the evening and because, well, you’re off the clock! That we have a 7pm cut-off, unless it’s an urgent exception and they say that sounds fair. But, this colleague keeps sending us messages at all hours of the night. And we keep answering them. We have just shown that our boundary doesn’t matter, and that it doesn’t really exist. 

If we say we have a 7pm cut-off, that means you do whatever you need to do to not answer after 7pm. Turn off notifications. Put your phone in the other room. Tell your partner to help hold you accountable. Eventually, this will train your colleague to either stop messaging or stop expecting a response. 

Maybe you’ve been that friend that always says yes to listen to your BFF go on about her boyfriend treating her poorly, but never actually doing anything to change their relationship. You’ve changed your plans to be there for her with a glass of wine. You’ve offered your very best advice. You’ve been the shoulder to cry on. But now, every time the topic of BB (bad boyfriend) comes up, you can feel your tummy twist into knots and dread the conversation. 

Here are a few ways you can address this with your BFF. 

If you are open to chatting, you can ask “are you looking for advice or do you just need someone to listen?”. Knowing that you aren’t expected to have the answers can be a big relief. 

If you’re not up for chatting, try “I know I’ve been there for you in the past about this, but I’m not in the headspace to give this the attention you deserve right now. I will let you know when I’m feeling up to listening.”

If they are asking for an in person hang, but you want to have a quiet solo night in, you could say “I can’t meet up tonight, but I will check in with you tomorrow.”

You don’t need to make a long winded excuse, in fact, don’t do that. Keep it clear, to the point and NOT PERSONAL! 

Making sense? 

So, how do we know when we need to set a boundary?

When a friend asks for a favor, do you feel happy to help or do you feel resentful?

When you spend time with someone, do you feel lit up or do you feel drained? 

Do you feel taken advantage of? 

Do you feel like someone is always taking from you and never giving back?

Now before you go thinking your friend, sibling, partner, whomever is a monster, know that you’ve also got a part to play in this and you can change this.

What behaviors, favors or requests are you allowing or saying yes to, even though they really bother you or don’t want to do them? 

Start there. Make a list if it’s helpful. And stop saying yes to or doing the things that are making you feel shitty! Then work on how you share your new boundaries with said people.

It’s really that simple. It ain’t easy, but it’s simple. And when it comes to close relationships, it can be tough to set new boundaries.

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Remember at the beginning of this post when I said “Boundaries are not static. Boundaries are dynamic. They are allowed to change at any time.”???

Any time you feel those yucky feelings creeping in (you know, resentment, taken advantage of,etc.) it’s time to take a beat and see where it’s coming from. Are you giving too much? Does the relationship feel one sided? Would you feel better if you asked that friend who’s always asking you for a favor for one in return? 

It’s 10000% OK to re-evaluate what feels good for you right here, right now and let that person know. Just because something worked for you yesterday does not mean that it’s going to work for you tomorrow. 

If you’ve read this and you are feeling like “damn Jana, I feel seen” or “OK, so now that you’ve told me that I have some work to do” or if you are ready to start making changes, let’s book a Soul Session. I’d love to help you be a boundary master.